I found a letter you wrote me in 2020. You wrote that there was only 24 weeks until we would meet. We have not met yet.
I try not to think about you
I have a life now, a good one. With J. And I love him.
And you. In some weird another life sort of way.
We had something that I've never been able to recreate in real life. Maybe it was the internet acting as a barrier, maybe it was youth or maybe nostalgia. Maybe it is the feeling of all my teen years being coloured by the existence of you.
They were all you, all those years.
I feel like a different person now and I know that you are too. I'm angry and sad for you. I'm sad that your life is the way it is now and I'm angry that the person I knew is gone. I'm angry at the drugs that took you away and I'm angry at you for letting them.
I do not know you anymore. I do not know your favourite song, your highlights and your lowlights. I do not know your friends, your dreams and your fears.
How embarrasing would it be if I was the only one thinking of us? Of our younger selves? I hope the thought of me brings you peace during your sentence. I pray those thoughts give you hope that you can become someone your younger self can be happy with
Maybe I am being selfish. I can be selfish. I'm probably being selfish.
You've always been this idea in my head. Sometimes I think I never saw you as a person. I don't think you saw me as a person either. I mean, how could we? All we knew of each other was due to an internet connection.
You're a part of my life that I don't feel connected to anymore. It's like you're dead, but not really. It's weird. You're a ghost.
I don't know if I will send this letter, I feel like it may upset you. I was always good at that, though.
It's not like I have anything to lose, you are already gone. I can't just facetime you anymore. It's been 2 years since we last spoke. Ten years of friendship, gone, just like that.
I wonder what you are like now. How do you talk? What words do you use? How do you dress? What do you think about? How are you feeling? There was a time I knew the answers to all these questions.
You were so sad when you were dating C. That is the last time I knew the answers to those questions. You changed with him, but maybe you would have changed anyways, with someone else, or on your own.
I hate that I still think about you.
You will always be the last connection to my teenage years I have, always the one that got away. I wonder if you feel the same.
What we had was the truest thing I've ever had. I don't think humans are suppose to be that connected to another. There was no you, or me, just us. One whole. At least, for me.
J is kind and soft and patient and stable. Sometimes I crave the twilight I felt with you. Being with J can be boring, but he is healthy. And I won't - CAN'T - ruin it.
I think about what-ifs when I'm in a dark place. He tries to understand me. I know it is hard. You are the only one that ever could. You ruined that for me. Or I ruined that for myself. I dont know.
I feel wrong writing this. Like J is going to come into the room and catch me. I don't want him too. You're only mine. This idea I have of you; these feelings. You were my whole life. I miss that feeling. I miss ignoring the whole world for you.
I'm not in love with you. But you're my greatest love. My first love. My first true friend. The person I will tell my children about in private. The one I think of on my wedding day, not with longing, but with grief. It was supposed to be us against the world.
I would answer your every call
tay